Category Archives: 30 Day Heartbreak Cure – Journal

3 Things On My Mind, and Day 2

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3 things on my mind before I get into the next excersize.

  1. Craig was my best friend [aside from Dora ;) ].
  2. I wish I would have spent the night over at his house when I had the chance.  I always thought my Mom wouldn’t like it because she wanted me home at a certain time.  Turns out, I was wrong.  She would have been fine with it, and I didn’t figure that out until it was too late.  Why does that happen?  Why why why is it always “too late”???  I know, eventually, I’ll move on from the regret, but there it is.
  3. There’s still that 5% chance that if he asked me to give him another chance, I’d consider it.  Everyone: Jason, my Mom, friends, they all tell me not to go back to him, don’t go back to the people who hurt you.  He lied to me.  He broke me for a little while there, I’m still healing from it.  I may be not thinking about him as much as I used to, but I’ll admit — the weekends are the hardest.  Knowing he’s bowling, while I’m at home.  Knowing that we used to hangout every Saturday and now we’re not.  I had a really really good friend, and now I’m back in my old routine — work, work, work till you drop!  You know I love work, but… having someone around that I loved, and enjoyed being with, it’s hard to lose.

So now here’s the excersize.  The book tells me to jot down every potential impulse that enters my mind and then leave some space next to it, and respond to it as if somebody else said it.  In short: be your own best friend.

  • I can’t design for crap.  It took me 5 hours today to redesign this layout, based off of Jason’s initial mock up.  And I can’t think of anything remotely creative!  I can “decorate”, but when it comes to actually “conceptualizing”, I suck.
    Best friend:     No, you don’t.  You’re just having a bad run.  It takes time designing, and just because you don’t get it right away, within an hour, doesn’t mean you suck.  For some people, it takes days upon days.  Designing is yes, mostly skill, but at times, it can be luck. 
  • I suck at dieting, and not eating at night.
    Best friend: Well, first of all… you shouldn’t diet.  It should be a life plan.  Second, it takes time to adjust to a new way of life.  Try not to eat fatty foods, take it one day at a time.
  • I’m unmotivated when it comes to driving.
    Best friend: If you’re unmotivated, then it probably means you’re not ready.  Just because your ex pushed you to drive, doesn’t mean you have to.  You do it when you’re ready.
  • I should have slept over his house at least once.
    Best friend: Well, you know for next time, with the next relationship, what your limits are.  Besides, I’m sure it’s not anymore different than him sleeping over at yours!
  • If he would message me and severely apologize for everything, I would consider taking him back.
    Best friend: That’s up to you, but honestly?  You’re just feeling vulnerable right now.  He hurt you.  If you go back to him, how will you ever trust him again?
  • I’m horrible at illustrating.  I tried drawing a person today and it looked like a beach’ed whale.
    Best friend: You’re not horrible, you just don’t have that much practice!  Think about it: when you were first designing, I bet you weren’t that great, but after awhile, you got better.
  • I’ll never really find a good guy with great looks… they’re not out there.
    Best friend: Yes, they are!  Listen, you’re a good person, beautiful, smart, loyal.  There’s not that many people out there who are those things.  Just like yes, there’s not that many people out there who are good guys with great looks, and successful.  The point I’m getting at is, people like you will attract the good guy with the great looks.  I’ve seen a ton of men who dress sharply and are successful dating not so good looking women.  Looks aren’t everything.  You grow old and age, thus your looks die down anyway.  You’re not spending the rest of your life with a person’s looks, you’re spending it with the person’s personality.

Hmm.  Well that was interesting.  I guess I really am feeling vulnerable right now. I mean God, who would take him back at this point?  I must be insane to even consider it!  The only thing that’s making me miss him is the fun memories we had.  Dorney, AC, Skyping.  That was insanely fun.  And I miss that.  I miss holding his hand, and so, I feel vulnerable enough to consider taking him back after all the lying he did to me, just so I could hold his hand.  That’s messed up…

Until tomorrow, talk to you later.

The 30 Day Heartbreak Cure – My Journal – Excersize #1

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This book I’m reading: “The 30 day heartbreak cure” is telling me to write down everything that I’m thinking about my heartbreaker.  That it doesn’t matter what you write: write my anger, my confusion, my frustrations.

What I’m Thinking

I’ll tell you what I’m thinking. I just found out that the jewelry he bought me for our 1 year anniversary, was actually from Jason.  Jason took Craig to Cleo’s to buy me jewelry.  Oh and, Craig lied to be about it, he told me that he spent $300 and played me in Atlantic City, saying that he really did have money.  Mom told me today, after Jason left.  I’m not upset at all for Jason, honestly, I think it’s the most wonderful thing he’s done because he knew I was a bit upset about that.  But Craig?  I almost wanted to cry, I almost DO want to cry.

I can’t explain it.  I feel upset, I feel sadness in my heart.  I was just going fine with this whole Craig.  He broke up with me via a text message the first time and the second, was over AIM.  I can’t believe that a month ago, we were happy.  And I can’t believe I got duped, lied to.  I can’t believe he did.

In the beginning, Mom told me that Craig was not good for me, that I could do a lot better.  I didn’t want to hear it.  I wanted to be right for once, around her.  I wanted to fight for someone I loved.  I fought and won.  And now, I just don’t know.  I fought my own Mother and told her I didn’t believe her, for what?  HIM?  A liar?  A loser?  I pushed my own Mother away for him.  It’s not even independence that I was looking for, cause I didn’t really get it.  No scratch that, I wanted independence, and I got it with him.  But now I just don’t know.

I shouldn’t be this upset, it shouldn’t affect me this much.  In a way, it’s not.

What I Did

You know, I did a lot for Craig.  In the beginning, he did a lot for me, but let’s face it — I did a lot for him.  I taught him HTML and CSS, I gave him tests, I was there when he couldn’t figure out why his code wasn’t working.  I talked to him on the phone, on Skype, all the time.  We’d always say “We Skyping tonight?” and I would love it.  I bought him clothes, really nice quality clothes.  I bought him stuff for his laptop.  I bought him an xBox and he was going to pay me back, that never happened.  We took him to Atlantic City with us, free rooms, and free meals.  I gave him money for gas.  I took him out to dinner. He came over and ate at our house.  We gave him end tables from my room.  I helped him clean out his room the one day.  There was a red bag we never got back.  I bought him a DVD, a USB drive, a card tricks DVD.  I did all those things.

Most are material things, but I did love him.  If he needed to talk to someone, I was there.  I gave him encouragement as best I could.  Deep down I knew he wasn’t that smart, and that he wasn’t ideally who I wanted to be with, but I loved him and learned from him that if you love someone — you make it work.

What He Did

And yes, I remember the things he did for me. I remember our first kiss was AMAZING.  He kissed me and I felt a spark, I never felt that before.  The spark kept wanting to see where it went because I never felt it and I thought that this could be something huge with him.

I remember when we first started dating, my parents didn’t like him at all, and when they’d go to AC, my grandfather would stay over, so I’d go downstairs in the basement and Craig would come in from the basement.  He’d bring over his blanket and pillow and we’d just be together, cuddle, talk, shoot pool, watch movies.  And he’d go home in a few hours.  That was it.  I loved that…

He also wrote me a poem, who knows if that was even his own writing, but it was beautiful and I still have it in the same place I’ve always kept it.  Parts of me wants to keep it.  I don’t know what I’ll do with it.

He wrote me beautiful things on MySpace and Twitter.  The best quote I get teary eyed on was… “If you ever feel alone, look at the spaces between your fingers and remember mine fit perfectly.” God, who says that?  That was so sweet.  I also remember he dedicated this song to me: “For the Longest Time” by Billy Joel.  My song to him was: “Crash and Burn” by Savage Garden.

I remember one time when we first started dating, we talked on the phone for 4 hours straight.  That was a lot for me and for him.  We would just laugh and laugh.

Did you know that I didn’t tell my parents we were dating until this past September?  And they knew.  They knew we were secretly dating, but I didn’t want to tell my Mom because I was afraid how she’d react.

I remember he used to come over every week that my parents went to AC, and my parents even forbid me to have him come over, but I wanted him over anyway.  We would play his xBox, or shoot pool all night, watch some movies, cuddle, and work on websites.  I would order Chili’s and we’d eat that.  I loved when he’d come over, we’d have so much fun, and then he’d sleep over that night, and I’d wake up next to him.

I remember the first time he said he loved me.  We were hinting about it for a little bit.  We were lying down in my bed, and he was holding me, we were facing each other.  He told me he loved me and that it was scary because it was so soon.  I told him I “lub’d” him, I would say that for a little while until I could say the “love” word, itself.  And then eventually I said it back.

I remember him telling me he wanted to marry me.  He would always say “You’re taking my last name.” And I would say “Nope, I don’t like it!” lol. We talked about marriage in 4 years or so.

For our 1 year anniversary, he surprised me with 2 heart earrings silver, and a wine glass, that was $300.  He said he played me when we were in Atlantic City, that he didn’t lose all his money.

Lies

And today, I found out that he was lying.  Truth is, I told Jason about me being a little down about Craig not doing anything for our 1 year anniversary.  Two days later, Jason had talked to Craig and convinced him to meet him at Cleo’s, so he could allow Craig to give me something amazing.

And it was all a lie.  I’m not angry to Jason, in fact, I realized again, how great of a friend I really have.  What I’m shocked about is Craig.

Bet You Didn’t Know.

Bet you didn’t know that Craig has been avoiding Jason ever since me and him broke up?  Bet you didn’t know that Craig has yet to finish 2 jobs for Jason?  Bet you didn’t know Craig owes Jason the money for my 1 year anniversary gifts?  And Craig is avoiding him.  After all Jason did for Craig. I mean how low can you go?  I mean, fine. We broke up, whatever. I’m clearly moving on, which I’ll explain to you in a minute.  But the fact that Craig doesn’t even have the balls to pick up for Jason?  Craig doesn’t even have balls.  He couldn’t even break up with me face to face, LET ALONE, on the phone.  He had to type to me.

And now he won’t even man up to his responsibilities.  You know, back when we started dating, his ex wife messaged me and told me all about him.  I didn’t think she was telling the truth because I thought she was bitter.  Turns out?  She was telling the truth.  She told me he couldn’t confront things, and she was 100% right. He can’t communicate.  It’s fine if he fell out of love with me, fine. That happens.  It’s life.  But to not give me the decency, the respect, of telling me on the phone or my face, like wow?

I’d love to tell her she was right, but I won’t.  I don’t want to go back.  I don’t want drama.  But I can’t lie to you and tell you I didn’t think of it.  Honestly, his life is none of my business, and my life is now none of his.

Can’t Hold Your Hand

You know what’s funny?  I taught him HTML and CSS, and I told him next you have to go on Lynda.com and follow the videos to learn more Drupal.  He did a few chapters, which was great, but he couldn’t do more.  He did things, but he would only do most things with me, like he couldn’t go off on his own and learn; he needed me to hold his hand.  And that’s what bugged me.  He told me he wasn’t very smart and that he sucked at spelling.  If you suck at spelling, you’d think you’d make yourself better?  We had talks on the phone about this, and he would always give me the line: “I don’t have time.”  I would hate that.

He would always be afraid of success/failure.  You can’t be afraid!  The fear of failure hinders so many people today, that’s why they’re failures.  They’re so afraid of failing that they DO fail.  Why don’t you just quit it with the fear and do what YOU WANT to do.  And that’s what we would argue about.

Maybe I did push him too much, maybe I did, but honestly, any person who is like me, any person wants to succeed wouldn’t even be where he is.  He doesn’t want to succeed or else he would have.  Or else, he would have been studying every day.

He needs to believe in himself, but that’s not my concern anymore.  When I was with him, I wanted to help him succeed so much.  I wanted him to believe in himself.  He should.

Still.

Look.  Aside from all the bad things I said about him.  From what I knew, from before all this lying took place, before he broke up with me, I saw him as a great man.  I don’t know how things happened like this, I don’t know why he was so angry, was he angry with me?  Did he hate me?  His last words were “Leave me alone”. That sucks.  That’s what I’ll remember.  But before that, he was a great guy.  He tried, maybe didn’t give 100%, but he tried.  He was a great boyfriend, still was the best boyfriend.  Matt was… just not that good.  So Craig still is the best boyfriend.  He, from what I know and felt, made me feel so loved.  And for the first time in my life, I loved him unconditionally.  I truly put my best efforts into the relationship.

So at least I know that I can do that.  At least I know I can give my all.

The Future

With all this that happened, I’ve been moving on.  He broke up with me officially last Friday, February the 5th of 2010.  I remember last Friday feeling so upset, so lonely, confused.  Then I bought that book, “The 30 Day Heartbreak Cure” and I love it!  Catherine [Hickland] makes me feel so special; I never thought a book could do that.  Yesterday, was the first day since this that I felt just fine.  I worked all day, and didn’t think of him.  I actually haven’t been thinking of him much at all.

Plus, I worked out yesterday!  For an hour.  Wow — I feel it in my abs :)

The next thing I want to say I’ll hold off for now.  There’s good things coming ahead, in the form of a romantic relationship.  So we’ll see how that goes.  Just for now, it’ll be between me and a few close friends.

Between You and Me

But honestly?  Between you and me?  I’m back to normal.  I’m happy again.  I don’t need him to be happy, and I know that.  I don’t need anyone to be happy.  I just think that having someone makes life better.  It makes life fun-er.  But I don’t ever need a guy.  And thank God, I wasn’t pregnant with him.  He won’t even answer Jason’s phone calls, which pretty much tells me he would run away from his own child, too.   I mean come on… Jason is nothing in the scheme of big responsibilities.  So thank God.